8 Hands 2 Hold

I have a lot of long over due posts.  There are some birthdays I want to pay tribute to and a lot of fun happening in our house.  But seeing as how it is already my bedtime, I just wanted to post the newest photos of my sweet girl.  Here is a sampling of Zoe’s 6 month pictures.  My friend Amanda is an amazing photographer and artist.  I love them.

6 months and new talent

pretty girl

I am not sure if it is good news or not but I have been discharged from my Physical Therapy. The PT I saw was happy with my progress and with the exception of 2 major muscles that I am currently exercising, things are appearing more symmetrical. I am a little nervous that I don’t have someone working with me but I guess it will motivate me more to work harder.

almost recovered

I haven’t posted in quite a while because we have been really busy. There are the necessary Physical Therapy appointments for me and Speech Therapy for Carsten so if that isn’t enough, we have also added a lot of play time and outings. My parents were here the last weekend in May and Kyle’s parents arrive this Friday. There is so much to catch you up on but for now, I’ll just post some recent photos!

Immaculate Conception's Annual International Festival

hanging with Papa Jim

Things to be thankful for:

The grown up conversation Keegan and I shared this morning on the way to school.  How he makes me laugh when he is being silly.

Bergen’s “juicy lips” and his insistence on kissing me while jumping up and hanging from my neck.

Carsten’s new word “MIIIINNNNNE”.  It isn’t my favorite word but it is one of the only recognizable ones he says right now so I’ll take it.

My social butterfly, Zoë, and the way she gets entirely offended if you pass by her without so much as a hello!

My physical therapist’s reassurance that my face is definitely improving and the pain I experienced could very well be from the therapy we’ve been working on.

My mom.  She always knows when to be my mom.  Thanks for your love and gently nudging.  I love you.

My sister, Tarrah otherwise know as my sounding board/personal assistant.

My sister, Tristen for being a wonderful messenger.

Everyone keeps asking if I am depressed.  I guess it is a fair question with the tone of my posts lately.  I probably would be depressed if I wasn’t able to write about how I am feeling.  I think at this point I am allowed to be sad, a little frustrated, angry and frankly grieving.  I get to put it all here, compartmentalize it so that I can go about my daily living without a little black rain cloud following me around.

My friend Aimee said it best after talking about the 15 month deployment they endured (with 3 little boys and a 2 week old baby daughter).  She said, “no matter how many people surrounded me, I felt totally and completely alone.  Without my husband, something was always missing.”  I couldn’t say it better.

Keegan “graduated” from 1st grade this week.  His teacher made a wonderful picture montage dvd of the year.  It was so tender and bitter sweet for me.  It was a year of great adventures for my first grader and a year of not getting to be the mom I want to be to him.  I couldn’t go on every field trip.  I didn’t get to attend his weekly Mass.  I volunteered twice a week at school until I had Zoë and was subsequently afflicted by Bell’s Palsy.  I cried my heart out during the video thinking of all the ways I failed this year.  And for how Keegan will remember this year.

I started out this deployment with the mindset that I wasn’t going to wish away our time.  I wanted to make the most of it.  I did a phenomenal job, too.  I had a wonderful summer.  We had a great start to school and fall soccer season.  We hurdled over the rough patches of missing Kyle.  We prepared for the baby with much enthusiasm.  I checked almost everything off of my to do list.  I missed my husband desperately but I was doing it.  And now I look in the mirror everyday and am reminded how much I am not doing it.  So much for a good attitude.  So much for working hard and making the most of my time.  It seems so futile now.  I keep thinking somehow when Kyle gets home that miraculously, my face will return to normal overnight like it did when the Bell’s began.  I’m so stupid.  It isn’t going to happen like that.  So, not only will my husband come home to a wife who doesn’t look the same but also one who is angry and bitter by this experience.

I just don’t know how to shake this pessimism.  I want to and then another thing lands a blow to my confidence.  I wish I could just lock myself in a quiet room where I can spend a day sleeping and praying.  I need to find a center to all of this where I don’t feel so off kilter.  So, if I seem sad or angry or depressed it is because I am.  It isn’t something I choose.  I fight it all day everyday.  Instead of judging me, just understand and encourage me.  I need that more than I ever have during this deployment.  And please remember me in your prayers.